No is hard for me

I was in the barn hanging out with my three equines as part of my 100 Day practice in 2021. My two donkeys are space hogs and would be in my lap if I would let them, but Dragon, my painted mare, often keeps her space. But on this particular day, Day 5 of my practice, she seemed engaged and was standing near me. I was excited at our closeness, until she promptly turned, and her butt was directly in my face; never a good thing with a 1000-pound animal.

​I ignored her at first, I know, but I didn’t want to chase her off when she was just finally getting involved. I mean, what if she was never interested again? Instead, I moved my own feet and just got away. Like a game of chess, she made her next move, and once again I found myself staring at her hindquarters. With horses, whoever gets the other one to move their feet is the leader, so I knew I couldn’t keep just walking away if I was going to earn a respected place with my herd. I moved her away from me. She turned right back again. I moved her again. And then, when she blatantly placed her rear end in front of me a fourth time, that was it, I had to make a bold move, or it was going to be checkmate. I chased her out of the barn.
 
I thought I was good at being clear about what was okay and not okay with me, but this encounter, and a recent exchange with my husband, were telling me otherwise. He had been in the room with me when I picked up a phone call I didn’t really want to take. I was moving into the inward parts of menstrual cycle and my energy was waning. I told my friend I was tired, but if it was critical, I could talk. She proceeded to talk; it was not critical. I tried again to tell her where I was at, but when she just kept going, so I gave up and just listened miserably. I got off the phone and complained to my spouse about how I had been direct about my boundaries but that it didn’t seem to matter. He proceeded to inform me that I had actually been quite indirect and not at all firm. Ouch.
 
No is hard for me. The fact that I am even doing it ineffectively is great progress. I used to just never do it and then no one ever really knew me. I was who others needed me to be and it was never real, and it was completely unsustainable. So, on Day 6 of my practice, when Dragon put her rump in my face again, I took my opportunity to practice being clear and direct. I didn’t hesitate, but immediately said no and chased her off. And guess what, she came back and it didn’t happen again. I didn’t push her away as I had thought, instead I told her how we could actually both be safely and enjoyably connected.
 
Equines communicate energetically. They don’t judge inward energy as bad and outward energy as good, they just want you to own your energy completely. When you are true to yourself in the present moment, with however you are feeling and whatever you are needing, they feel safe with you, they trust you. And isn’t that what we are all looking for in our intimate relationships? I am learning to trust that my relationships can handle my no. No, that my relationships need my no to be whole, to be holy, to be healing.

If you want to come learn from the equines too we would love to see you in October for the 2025 Equine-Facilitated Learning Retreat: Braving & Belonging.